Joined: Aug 15,
We've been hit!
I was in
the newsagents the other day looking for the latest issue of
Enema Fanciers magazine when I spied this one in the
Now, I'm the first person to stand up and
proclaim that pants beat rubber hose. Hosiery through the
years have been greatly exagerrated in my opinion, so it was
about time someone stood up and made the world aware of such
travesties of justice. Anyway, I flicked through the magazine
and came across the cover story, which I'm sure you'd be
interested in checking out. I've scanned the first page and
some of the photos here for you and typed out the other
relevant text so you can read it. Makes for VERY interesting
reading and is an insight into the bleeding edge of
reanimation science. I won't post the whole article, you can
buy the magazine if you want that. I'm just posting the most
This is the first page of the
article. Your usual blurb on the author and a brief outline of
the document. Good looking bloke, and he obviously knows what
he's talking about.
Everything else from here on is stuff typed
from the article. Enjoy!
First of all you need to
acquire the parts. Some scientists maintain that you need
fresh gear straight from the morgue but I've never had
anything but dramas trying that. Hospital security seem to get
a bit uppity when they see you stuffing bits onto the backseat
of your car. Running off with a torso whilst dodging a hail of
bullets is not a lot of fun.
I prefer to dig up a recent burial. I like
the hands-on approach and you get a bit of a buzz from the
manual labour. At this point you might also like to get
yourself an able-bodied (though preferably slightly retarded)
assistant who can help with the spadework.
The public also
gets the added bonus of something interesting on the TV.
There's nothing like a gruesome exhumation or two to pique
Here you can see me at work trying to
pry the concrete lid off. I originally had the ski-mask on but
this is hot work so I rolled it up. The next shot shows me
toting my bag of goodies back to the lab.
If you have your heart set on a midnight
"freezer raid" then might I suggest you do it Weekend at
Bernie's style? Pushing someone out of the hospital in a
wheelchair is way easier than lugging an armload of limbs or a
body over your shoulder. If people get too nosey imply the
"patient" has a communicable disease or something. SARS
is a Godsend but don't underestimate the power of Ebola
to have people running for the hills. Splash some blood on
your coat or wear a facemask for added effect.
parts are assembled and laid out on your work-bench,
double-check the wiring on your Van der Graf generators. Take
this time to also check the security on your door. The last
thing you need is a couple of Mormons blundering in when you
are midway through creating a deplorable blasphemy against
God. The high-pitched voice in your head may be suggesting you
answer them in your blood-spattered clothing just for a laugh
but trust me - nothing brings the cops like the unmistakeable
stench of corrupted flesh.
Here we can see that the parts have been
reassembled. The fluid described earlier has been pumped into
the body cavities and I'm shown here removing the last hose.
Just out of shot are the high voltage lines ready to be
clamped onto the body. Luckily the current drain is fairly
small but if you ARE concerned, you could always steal the
power from your neighbours. A simple induction coil could work
but why bother? The yokels are so stupid you might as well run
an extension cord from their loungeroom.
Here's a safety tip: make sure you keep
flammable material away from your experimental apparatus. As
you can imagine, those high voltages can play havoc with your
soft furnishings if you're not careful. Luckily I have some
extinguishers lying around for just this sort of thing. I find
the best place to get them from is high-rise or government
buildings. If you put on a pair of overalls and carry a
clipboard you can pretty much take whatever you
Finally, the big moment. I had to throw ze
switch myself - Igor had to take his mum to the vet. Still, at
least I don't have to put up with his flatulent whinings.
Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely lad but if I have to hear
any more about Beckham's signing to Madrid I swear I'll scoop
out his hump and fill it with semtex.
I'm a traditionalist
- to me an assistant should have limp hair that looks like a
greasy mop-head used to clean up after an explosion in a turd
factory. But you can't tell kids these days what to do. If
Igor wants a blonde mohawk then I guess I have to put up with
it. But I'll be damned if he'll accompany me to the annual Mad
Scientist Gala Ball looking like that! Oh yes, Doctor
Destructo would be VERY pleased to see that, the smarmy little
I might also takes this time to give a shout-out
to the guys at http://www.villainsupply.com/ - nice work
lads! The BEST place to get weapons-grade plutonium, bar
So the switch is thrown and...SUCCESS! Or, if you
prefer, "It's alive! ALIVE! Hahahahahaha!"
What now, you ask? Well hopefully you will
have already planned out your uses for the monster. If not,
here's a handy list of popular choices:
1. Terrorise the
2. Exact revenge upon those scientists who
said you were mad.
3. Write scripts for Seinfeld.
the lid off that jar of pickles.
For me, however, I plan to use his superior
strength and low intelligence to mow my lawns and paint the
house. He will become my slave, answering to my every whim. I
can feed him table scraps and potato peelings and force him to
live under the stairs like a reject from the ramblings of JK
Rowling. But without the hot Hermione action, I can assure
That's right, he will...What? No, stay back! I created
you! You can't kill ME! Curse my weak, nerd-like
Hey, what are you doing with my trousers? What
are you doing with YOUR trousers!? Noooooooo!
Bonus "Making of..." Documentary
Okay, the animation breaks
the "magazine article" story but see if I care. Maybe they
gave a link to it or something? I just wanted to try an animated composite of
Anyway, this is the third in a series of
photo-journal comedies that have featured on Something Awful.
If you missed the Day in the Life of a Ninja
(goldmined, so you can find it in there) or my Microwave Oven Review then click
those links to my own hosted copy.
That will be it for my
solo efforts for a while. My next two projects with a friend
are a card magic instructional video and a tech demo to see if
we can do the Matrix rooftop bullet-dodging scene with
inexpensive home equipment.