It's 5:30 and the alarm
wakes me up. 98.6FM (the 24-hour Koto music station) wakes me from a crazy
dream about crowded public transport and boardroom meetings. Urgh. I feel
like slaughtering them all in a senseless orgy of blood-spattered
depravity. But then again, who doesn't?
Anyway, I'm quickly out of my ninjamas and head
downstairs for some breakfast.
It would be nice to have a girlfriend or
wife to have food waiting for me but the ninja life is a solitary one. Oh,
don't get me wrong - a ninja can get busy with the ladies. Not like those
Shaolin fags. The problem is that whenever you get something going on,
some villain kidnaps her and you have to fight your way through waves of
wacky adversaries to get her back. And when you finally beat the
your significant other turns into a mutant and attacks you or your brother
My last steady girlfriend was grabbed by hippies, and she
was bringing home some brews to watch the game with, so I was doubly
pissed. My friend Ryu said he'd help (his real name's Raymond but he
thinks it gives him a credability problem) but you know, I just couldn't
be bothered any more. She wrote me a while back and told me her commune
had been raided by the ATF 3 times now. Apparently that's a good sign that
a cult is developing nicely. I wished her well and sent her some novelty
shurikens shaped like weed. Should be a blast with the
This is RV-583, he lives next door. There's a lot of
tension between us, although he's never anything but cordial.
Steve", he'll say, but I really know he's thinking "must kill all
humans." I mean, I'm not racist or anything but you know what robots
are like. Unless they are destroying something they are never truly happy.
Sure, on the outside they are all "a help to all mankind" and
"are you gonna drink that used motor oil?" but deep down they want
to exterminate all life. I get on pretty well with his wife, though.
Sharon is quite pleasant really, and bakes a mean meatloaf.
RV-583 is still an improvement over the guys that lived there before.
Coming home all hours of the night and singing loud songs about sodomy.
Parking their huge boat across my driveway. I tell you, don't believe the
hype - a pirate's life is for NO-ONE!
After breakfast I
brush my teeth and get in some quick training before work. There's nothing
like a bit of jumping about to loosen the muscles.
GIF anim - 600k
By this time it's dark enough for
work to begin, so I grab my stuff and head out for the night. Work's kinda
cool. I'm not really my own boss, ronin just isn't my style, but I do get
a bit of leeway when it comes to the execution (pun intended.) Unless of
course the boss has some signature kill he wants done. Like "Slasher
Horton" always wanting lots of sword-work, or the massive bone breakings
requested by "The Crusher". The less said about "Donny the Dildo" the
Now, you can't rush these things or else it turns into a
bloodbath instead of a precise surgical strike. You need to check the
place out and bide your time.
I've seen some rookie guys just run
through a house with smokebombs going off left and right, making a
complete arse out of it. No style, just wholesale destruction.
don't get respect like that. The cleaner comes into work the next morning
and has to deal with all the blood and vomit - she sure as hell won't
respect you. If this kind of thing makes it to the boss you can kiss your
pinky finger goodbye.
Anyway, tonight's job is a signature kill. The
boss wants me to use one of the traditional methods for that truly
authentic Japanese look and feel. Fair enough, I don't mind getting back
to my roots every now and again.
Here's me going in for the kill and
giving it the traditional Japanese finish.
GIF anim - 100k
Well, that's a job well done and
time for home. The ride on the bus is pretty quiet - I usually get a seat
all to myself. Sometimes you get some weirdo next to you who rabbits on
about aliens, God, or bowel disease. You even get a clever mix of all
three on the odd occasion. I find that the best solution to this is to
ease my katana out of the scabbard and mutter about the time of
purification being at hand. Never fails.
Think I might avoid sitting
near the zombie. Last time I made that mistake I ended up with a pancreas
in my lap. Wouldn't have bothered me too much except it was followed by
about 8 inches of distended rectum. Phew, the stink. What do those guys
Just as I get back home I hear what sounds like raised
voices coming from RV-583's place. I sneak over (hey, I'm a ninja - I
can't help myself) and take a peek through the window.
hell, it looks like RV is giving Sharon a bit of the old robofist. I
tell ya, he gets a bit mean when he's been on the diesel and tonight looks
like a hum-dinger. Still, I know better than to get between a robot and
his missus so I leave them to it. Mind you, I might mention it to Sharon
when she's hanging out the washing (and RV's at work.) I'm sure she can
get support for this sort of
Anyway, once home it's time for some relaxation so I fire
up the Xbox and slap in Super Tekken Mathfighter. Here you can see
I've unlocked the secret boss Eminem but he's no match for the
awesome Brain Blaster from Stephen Hawking. In fact it's a flawless
victory in the end, which is hardly surprising.
After that it's dinner and then sit down with a few
records and get my ninja groove on. You can't beat the old vinyl for that
classic sound and I'm shown here getting down with my bad self to the
unmistakeable beats of Alan Gardiner. I don't know if you've ever heard
his kicking mixdown of Machine Gun Fellatio's Pussy Town but it
And finally it's time for bed. I hope you got an insight
into the ninja lifestyle, and perhaps you'll decide that this is the
career for you. You never know, perhaps I'll see you around. True, it
isn't for everyone - if you haven't already killed a man by the age of 12
then perhaps you should try something else. But if you have a killer
instinct and the sadistic trophies to prove it then maybe you have what it
Just remember to stay in school, and don't do drugs.
After doing a humorous microwave oven review, I've been meaning to do
something else with my digicam. And this is it - the result of MANY hours
slaving over a hot Photoshop. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I spent
dressing like a twat and photographing myself.